Over the past month, I've accumulated a number of stories that I thought to myself at the time 'that would be great to post on the blog'. But I didn't. I've kinda been in low level shut down I guess. Keeping things in my head.

For the past three or four days, one of our rabbits has been sick. I've been ringing everybody I can think of, and on about 8 different forums for advice, I've spoken to three vets, a breeder and a few others. I've been syringe feeding him, and he's been fighting. I've got every remedy under the sun sitting on the kitchen table right now and I've been going out every half hour to squeeze more goo into his mouth.

I'm not a cruel person. I hope I'm not. I don't want to lose this bunny, he's a fighter, he's been with us for 9 years. I also know that I love him more than I love myself, and that means if I have to let him go, I will. He isn't mine, he belongs to my sister, but she seems, frankly, uninterested which breaks my heart even more.

The bit that's getting me is that everybody is telling me I'm doing stuff wrong, but everybody disagrees on what's right. Everybody tells me to get him some pain releif, that makes sense to me, even if he doesn't start eating at least he'll be comfortable for a while, and if we have to let him go it's better than he's calm and relaxed when we make the call, however the vets reckon there's little they can do in the way of pain releif. Some say try this remedy while others say it'll make him worse.

He started eating a bit last night, a bit of hay and some mushed up pellets. I'm giving him some more now. The rain isn't helping.

Times like this, I cry a lot. I always fear the worst, sometimes prematurely, sometimes with horrifying accuracy. At this stage, I'm just... hoping. He doesn't seem too dehydrated so the fluids must be being absorbed to a degree and he's fighting just as hard so he must be getting energy out of the food i stuffed into him. If we can just get some pain releif he might pick up. I have to hope.

http://nz.youtube.com/watch?v=2_HXUhShhmY

This is really cool. ^___^

me: 
I'm gonna see if I can find an rpg group to join

Have you ever had that feeling where you look at what you need to do, all of it, all written down or summarised in your head or even just the vague idea of it. Everything you need to achieve, just to get by, without slipping back any further. Have you ever had that knowledge, that cold, disappointing knowledge that there's just no way you can do it. You just don't have what it takes. It isn't frightening, or unsettling. Just... sad. Disappointing, like you've been traveling this long road to discover the world's edge and realising that there's nothing more. It doesn't frighten you, it's just... sad.

I'm not sure if it's just me. But I've come to find my limits, and knowing them may be my only chance of ever making more of myself that some girl who writes stuff on the internet that nobody reads. But somehow in knowing them, I feel like the glimmer of hope I had has gotten that much smaller.

Don't mistake me, I know how lucky I am, I know how many beautiful, wonderful things this world has, I know how blessed I am to have so many wonderful sparks in my life.

I just... it's me who's not worthy of that. I spent my life being afraid that everyone else would see it. But it somehow seems worse now that I've seen it.

I don't know if I'll feel like this forever, or just till I wake up in the morning and decide whether or not I'll have cereal or chocolate, even when I'm not really hungry.

There's a lot less... hope now, and I find myself wondering if it was ever real hope to begin with, or just a desperate attempt to fool myself. It's not so bad to visit my life, I just wouldn't want to live there. So now, all that's left is work.

I guess I best get started.

This year I spent Christmas day with my immediate family. My animals live there, so I was keen to spend it with them. Unfortunately I haven't seen much of the horses, as rest for me almost always seems to comprise of doing nothing, or playing computer games, neither of which leaves me with a sense of rejuvenation or fulfillment.

I've also started a puzzle.














All the animals got presents;


Spot and Mischief got a long dangly toy thing and a tunnel lined with catnip.

They both loved the tunnel, but Mischief decided to come over all camera shy, so here's an older photo of him being fuzzy and adorable ---->











I got a rubber chewtoy designed for dogs for Cracker and Nick, mainly to keep Cracker busy and not chasing Nick around.

Nick was interested when I first entered the paddock

Cracker got there first and had a sniff. The idea is that the inside of the tyre has treats in it (not it's original purpose, but it might work). The tyre then hangs on a fence, and the horse has to move it around, chew on it, get their tongue in there etc, to get at the treats.


Nick's interest waned when he realised I wasn't carrying a bucket of delicious goodness. I brought out a bowl of carrots for him later. This went down much better.















Cracker however, with a little encouragement, seemed to like the tyre. Or at least he didn't want to be beaten by something made of rubber.
 
He spent most of his time trying to fit his nose into the gap



































After some work he figured out that spinning it helped.
















Eventually he'll cotton on to the fact that if he turns it upside or spins it on the loop of rope, the treats will drop out more readily. He emptied it within about half an hour (snapped the rope once and nuzzled it along the ground) and then when I hung it out on a piece of wood he pulled the whole thing down. All in all, it was a success in that it kept him busy for over an hour in total, and the mental workout seemed to settle him enough that he didn't bother Nick again till evening, at which point I caught him careening around the paddock (bad for the arthritic pony and his busted leg) and started swearing at him. Both the boys got christmas dinner, though I didn't spend much time with them. I wish I had done.







The bunnies got two toys. Toby got a weird thing where you can bend the wooden sticks into shapes, the most popular being a tunnel, he seemed happy enough with it.






















Smooch was to get a treat ball meant for a cat, (and bought for a bird), but we couldn't find it, so he got lots of food and he'll get the toy when it's found or another is bought














Lucifer, the lovebird, got a basket (meant for rabbits and guinea pigs) to hold fruit and veggies. He pulled out all the carrot sticks, dropped them, ate some of the apple,












And then went back to his mirror (favourite toy).













Yes, his head is the wrong way up. Birds can do that. And he does it to scare visitors.




My little sister made up the table all prettyful, but all the photos contain people, so I'd rather not get sued/beaten up/sworn at for putting them on the internets. I had a bunch of other photos too, but they've disappeared. Downloading photos from the camera must've addled my brain.

Also, I got dressed up. Sort of. I had a nice skirt and whatnot on and then had to do horsey things, so I put on my gumboots. ^_^




I had kinda hoped this post would be wittier. Nevermind. When I can think of more details, or something smarter to say, I'll add to this post.

Those select few who know about the sacred art of hedgehog hunting will know that it is a hallowed rite performed only in the dead of night, when one would prefer to be fast asleep, and when you have work, school, or other sacred and hallowed traditions (such as hair of the dog) in the morning.

The details beyond that vary from sect to sect, the blessed incantations and prayers (mumbled in a sleepy and generally annoyed voice) are specific to the individuals involved, however commonalities such as "where the hell is that bloody thing?", "goddamnit it's too late for this", and "awww the poor thing" exist amongst many denominations. Location is dependant upon wherein the holy creature decides to grace us with an appearence, though theories involving lunar positioning, open screen and garage doors, well meaning children and the precense of edible offerings do circulate the academic community.

Initiation into this most divine of rituals is marked by bleeding fingers and cries of "You said it wouldn't be sharp!", followed by the traditional response "Well how was I supposed to bloody well know?" in loud whispers.

The ritual begins unexpectedly, when the participants are fast asleep, signalled by a snuffling, scratching sound. Eventually this sacred melody draws the worshippers from their dreams to make the first mumbled lines of the blessing, usually along the lines of "What the hell is that?". Ceremonial vestments are generally boxer shorts, pajamas or in specific cults, lingerie, or nothing at all.

It takes several attempts to locate the blessed creature, though many ancient texts refer to under the bed and behind the dresser while more obscure tomes mention radiators, wardrobes and inside the walls.

After some searching, light is required, and the creature is discovered, whereupon the hunt begins with cries of "You cover that side and scare it towards me", and often followed with "You were meant to catch it!" and "Damnit, lift this up".

After several attempts, the creature is captured from it's chosen place of bunkerage, and (wrapped in a towel, robe, shirt or convenient swaddling) is returned to the night under the light of the moon (or the street lights).

The ritual is concluded with a mixture of expressions of worry for the creatures health, complaints about how bloody cold it is wandering around outside in boxer shorts/lingerie/pajamas/bare feet/nothing at all, and localised profanity relating to the creature's choice to bestow the honour upon the participants.

The safe return of the spiny visitor to it's habitat is considered a good omen, said to result in such rewards as puffy red eyes, morning grumpiness, and on occasion various solutions to "you know, I don't know if I can sleep..."

Everybody loves pizza in one form or another. I've recently come across a few combinations and tricks that are healthy and tasty. ^_^


Base
This is a very simple recipe. Basically, you get two parts flour (a cup will make a medium sized pizza) and one part water, throw in a teaspoon of yeast or baking powder for every cup of flour, and add a drizzle of olive oil and a pinch of salt. Mix it all up, and remember that it's better to have the mix too wet at first than too dry, just add more flour as you need. Knead it for a while, make a ball and roll it out. The base will rise so roll it out thin (half a centimetre is plenty thick).

If you want a really fluffy base, leave it to rise in a warm oven for half an hour or so.

You can substitute half wholemeal flower if you want, but not all wholemeal, it'll fall apart.

You could also try naan bread as a base, or a pita pocket base, or toast, or burger buns.

You can also add garlic or herbs to the dough, or try out ciabatta bread, or foccatia. You can find all of these in your supermarket.

Sauces
There's a few tricks here, I like mixing tomato paste, a quarter of a teaspoon of garlic, coriander and chopped up silverbeet and rocket (like a herb), with a dash of olive oil. We all need to eat more leafy greens, so add a handful or so to the mix, you can't taste it when the pizza's cooked and it's good for you.

If you've got no tomato paste, grab some tinned tomatoes, chuck them in a blender and then microwave them on medium heat for about five minutes until they thicken up. You'll want to use less of this than you would the tomato paste because it's more watery.

You can also try mixing olive oil with a bit of garlic and some silver beet and herbs and even some crushed nuts and sprinkling over the base. I recommend cashew nuts.

You could also get any number of packet sauces from the supermarket, try out curry sauce mixed with a dash of coconut cream, or greek yoghurt.

Teriyaki is also excellent (great with tofu slices), sesame and ginger is also good. Try out a few different combinations.

Barbecue sauce makes a good base too.

Baked beans also make a good sauce, just spread em over the base.


Cheese
I know there's people out there who don't like cheese on their pizza, and believe it or not, it isn't half bad so long as you've got plenty of toppings, and if you're using a different sauce to tomato often cheese doesn't go that well anyway.

Just make sure you're looking for non animal rennet in cheese.

I prefer colby, but mozzarella has the whole stringy thing going, I find it doesn't have as much flavour. Brie is also excellent on pizza, just use less of it. Feta works well with leafy green vegetables too.


Toppings

• Broccoli - Hard to believe, I know, but it's actually pretty damn good on pizza, just heat it very briefly in water before you add it to the pizza, it adds a nice crunch. Make sure it's on one of the lower layers of toppings so it doesn't get dry though. If you use Broccoli then make it small pieces spread evenly over the pizza, and use it as a base flavour, since it compliments other toppings so nicely.
• Olives - Spanish olives or kalamata are the best here. Some people like them whole, I prefer them sliced. They add a different kind of taste. I'd recommend going easy on them at first if you're not a big fan, the taste takes a bit of getting used to.
• Sun dried tomatoes - A strong, but nice flavour, they go well with olives, I'd suggest cutting them up small and using sparingly. they work well with ordinary tomatoes too.
• Cherry tomatoes - These are great if you're flame grilling the pizza, they bring out a beautiful smokey flavour.
• Capsicum - I'm not the biggest fan of capsicum on pizza, but if you do use it, aim for thin slices and remember that red and yellow are much sweeter.
• Leafy green vegetables - These go well with feta and more upmarket style combinations. I like them chopped up finely and sprinkled on like a herb.
• Pineapple - An old favourite. You can't go wrong with this one, it goes well with almost anything.
• Tofu, Tempeh or TVP - I don't use these on pizzas very often but you can get them in basically any flavour for any purpose and generally they're pretty good, they're also healthier than the meats traditionally used on pizzas.
• Nuts - With the right combination of toppings, cashew nuts or almonds go nicely on pizza.
• Muschrooms - I'm not fond of these but a lot of people seem to like them, I find the darker ones seem to be more flavourful.
• Chilli peppers, jalapenos, etc - Not my thing, but a lot of people like em, use sparingly if you're not used to spicy stuff.
• Beans - Chickpeas are my personal favourite, but red kidney beans, navy beans,

Herbs

• Coriander
• Rosemary
• Parsley
• Oregano
• Mixed Herbs

Combinations

• Tomato base, broccoli, pineapple, olives, sundried tomatoes, tomatoes, garlic, coriander, silverbeet, onion, chickpeas colby cheese
• Curry sauce base, potato, tomato, capsicum, carrot, broccoli, onion, cashew nuts, butter beans and a sprinkling of coconut (heat veggies first). Serve with greek yoghurt.
• Teriyaki base, marinated tofu, onion, butter beans, carrot, broccoli (heat veggies first)
• Olive oil and nut base, olives, chickpeas, brie
• Tomato base, pineapple, pineapple, sun dried tomatoes, olives
• Capsicum hummus base, brie, cashew nuts
• Tomato base, garlic, pineapple, onion, tomatoes colby cheese
• Baked bean base, colby cheese, onion, garlic
• Barbecue sauce base, marinated tofu, chickpeas, tomatoes, onion, colby cheese.

There's a lot more options out there, so experiment a bit., you generally want the pizza to cook at around 200 degrees C for about 20 minutes. Longer if you have harder veggies on it (lower the heat for the last five or ten minutes)

I often like making mini pizzas with different flavours or I'll make one big pizza with different combinations for different sections when I'm feeding a number of different tastes.

I've mentioned in the past that my pony is... quirky. And sometimes difficult to handle. This stems mainly from the fact that he has an animal's set of motivations and a frighteningly human like intelligence, specifically in the regions of memory, cognitive thinking and premeditated tactics. Add to this a set of bad experiences (prolonged exposure to vets, accidents with previous owners and my own blunders), a healthy dose of geriatric stubbornness, and you have a 500 kilo ball of "fuck you".

Don't misunderstand me. I love my pony, he's the epitome of awesomeness and sass contained in a cute, shiny (somewhat greying), graceful four legged body. He and the other animals are the bright spots on my horizon. But that doesn't mean he isn't an absolute bastard at times.

Recently Nick has been getting a lot of drenches for varying purposes, most of them are to calm him down. Of course, the effort of getting a drench into him counteracts this considerably, not to mention that Nick is stupidly resistent to sedatives (and natural calming agents) in the face of anything even remotely stressful.

So, taking Deb's advice (Horsewyse), I started dipping the tip of the drenches in molasses. This helps to a degree, but Nick's still got the "ZOMGSYRINGERUNAWAY" thought stuck firmly in his skull. So I got a little more cunning. I've started filling up empty syringes with molases, and slowly coaxing him into sniffing them and eventually licking them. It helps if I do it on the other side of the fence (in his mind it means I can't grab him that way), I also started dropping syringes dipped in molasses on the ground and letting him lick them, and also next to his feed. It seems to be working. He still makes a fuss when I go to drench him, but he's slowly becoming more cooperative, and will at least sniff the syringe before running away. The main problem is getting him used to the idea of things he hates being commonplace.

He's smart enough where he can tell a syringe isn't going to do something nasty if I'm not holding it with my thumb on the plunger, but the moment I hold it ready to squirt he panicks. If I hold it out to him with no advantage in ground he's happy to have a sniff.

The main problem with Nick is independent thought, even if he trusts me enough to come running for help when a bee attacks him, he still thinks on his own. Most horses do, but generally bonding and trust (or tricks) can override that. Nick is a little too smart/independent for that.

His issues have been made a great deal worse with having had so many things go wrong, accidents caused by idiots, needing the vets out so much, and having to do nasty things to him with needles and such. It's just made him one big ball of tension, so I'm working on building up trust again, since I feel like I've lost it. I'm hoping that training him for floating is doing that, and it seems to be helping. I need to do more with him over time, fun games to work on that bond as well as tackling different issues individually.

In any case, he seems to be enjoying his sugary treats each day, and trying to hold him while he charges around is giving me great upper body strength.

Me:
my cat looks so CUTE

Me:
she's got her paw over her nose

Me:
*MELT*

Friend:
I do the same

Me:
you sleep with a paw over your nose?

Friend:
I mean go all stupid when my cat is cute.

Friend:
I'd love to make girls melt like that, lol

Me:
you'll need a lot more fur

Me:
and a tail

Me:
and four legs

Me:
and potentially to be about ankle height

Friend:
I have plenty of fur. Probably too much for a human one might argue, lol. The rest... I can't really do.

Me:
you've got hair, not fur

Me:
big difference

Friend:
There's a difference?

Me:
yes

Me:
fur is soft and silky and cute

Me:
hair can be glamourous, but not always cute

Friend:
OHh

Friend:
So, too much back hair = cute fur?

Me:
no

Me:
back hair is not fur.

Me:
so it's not the same

Friend:
Well damn. Way to crush my hopes of being cute

Me:
learn to pur and eat catfood

Friend:
The first one isn't too much, I can almost already. Not too enthusiastic about the second one.

Me:
catfood contains an element of cuteness

Me:
for a shiny coat and whatnot

Friend:
Err, yeah, I think eating cat food is going to have the opposite effect on what little cuteness I do have.

Me:
never know till you try

Friend:
Will you sleep with me if I eat cat food then?

Me:
unlikely

Me:
i don't think my gentleman friend would approve

Friend:
Well, thats alright, cause I'm not eating cat food.

Friend:
Everyone wins, lol

Me:
awww

Me:
it'll make your coat glossy

My horse likes to chase my pony. This is mean and nasty because my pony is 27 and very arthritic. However, every so often my pony gets his own back, usually by double barrelling Cracker (my horse) in the chest or nose. However, in some cases he does a little bit more.

Generally, Nick's pretty smart about these sorts of things. Cracker will be galloping and bucking and doing all sorts of things that are bad for his injured leg (try telling him that) and Nick will just side step him every time Cracker charges at him, however sometimes he's cornered or can't turn in time, which is the biggest problem for him, he's always been very nimble, but with age wearing away at him, he's not really up to dodging and weaving like a two year old just because Cracker's in a mood to be an idiot.

Now, in his hayday (before I had him), Nick was a well known show jumper and dressage pony, people who've been in shows long enough will probably still remember him. I personally have taken him over a couple of jumps at most, and lack any kind of talent. Nick, on the other hand, LOVES to jump. It's a longstanding regret of mine that I never learnt, Nick's always such an attentive, challenging ride that the idea of jumping him is thrilling and terrifying all at once.

It's like that brief moment when you're weightless at the top of your ascent on a swing, for a second gravity looks the other way. That's what jumping is only you haven't got rope or chains to hang onto, just your knees around a horse leaping hurdles and weaving through hair pin turns as if they were flying and the only thing between you both and complete disaster is a hasty prayer, the luck of the drawer and whatever scraps of training and instinct haven't been blown from your mind the moment you hit the canter.

In any case, my pony is awesome. He is awesome because he outsmarts Cracker a lot. The particular event I'm referring to was not so long ago, when Cracker had been busy bulldozing down tape fences that I spent hours putting up so they'd let one part of the paddock grow. In any case, Cracker charged at Nick, and after a good fifteen minutes of dodging, weaving, bucking and general chaos, my father (who spotted it going on) called me, I came out to break it up, calling Cracker all sorts of nasty names loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear. I was just at the gate when Nick turned, took a three metre run up, and cleared a low hanging piece of tape. He was wearing a cover (try climbing in a ball gown and you'll understand), and he landed perfectly. For a 27 year old with arthritis who hasnt jumped since he was 20, that's pretty damn awesome.

Unfortunately, Cracker followed him over, it was low enough that he could manage it, normally Cracker doesn't jump at all.

Now, the second and way more awesome time was when I had the boys in another section of the paddock, with much higher tape fences, about three feet or so high. Nick was standing a few metres away from the fence and Cracker suddenly charged him from the side, cutting off any retreat. Nick took the fence and cleared it by an easy foot or so with Cracker screeching to a halt after him. Nick's heels narrowly missed Cracker's face, who promptly began to pace the fenceline, while Nick stood in the long grass, composed himself, and then had a victorious roll in the dust.

My pony is so cool.

What qualities could redeem so bossy a horse as Cracker you may be asking. Well, there are some. Mostly he relies on being so dumb it's cute. He's certainly cunning, but he just has a generally happy go lucky way of coasting through life that somehow manages to get him out of trouble.

In any case, he did something adorable today.

I'm trying a new drench for Nick (on the recommendation of Debs from Horsewyse to calm him before I have to do all kinds of nasty vet type things to him (27 requires extra care). Debs suggested dipping the tip of the drench in molasses, to cover the smell and make it taste a little nicer.

Nick didn't buy it. But with enough coaxing, swearing, chasing, dodging and weaving (some arthritic pony) I managed to get it into him. The result was a vexed pony with molasses smeared all over his nose and lips.

As I was washing my hands in the trough, Cracker came over and got a taste of the gooey goodness on my fingers. When I went to say goodbye to Nick, Cracker followed me, and discovered, to his delight, that Nick's nose was a veritable candy store, ripe for licking. So that's what he did. Nick was not amused.

My horses are awesome. ^_^